Randomosity
by I Killed the Dinosaurs
Summary: Nessie and the others have some random hilarious fun. 'It's a bunny eating bacon'
1. Chapter 1: GIR! How dare you poke me!

This is basically Jake, Nessie and Seth, sitting in the forest and being really stupid. Nessie is 4 (and that means she looks 13).

**I don't own anything.**

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Renesmee's POV

Chapter 1: GIR!! How Dare You Poke Me!

It was a pretty ordinary Saturday morning. Well, as ordinary as a Saturday morning can be when you're half vampire. I was pretty bored, sitting on a tree trunk with Jake and Seth. Everyone else was out hunting. I had just grabbed a pop tart, just not in the mood to have to hunt down and tackle my breakfast. I actually kind of wanted to hear all the chatting and noise. Even the werewolf/blond jokes.

I picked up a random stick off the ground and poked Jake in the arm. Originally, I planned on throwing it so he wouldn't know _I_ did it, and I'd act all confused, but when I threw it I hit Seth in the head. "Ow." He said. I knew it didn't hurt, but I apologized anyway. I tapped my fingernails on the tree I was sitting on. Why weren't they bored? It was so _quiet!_ So, I decided to quote a great mind. GIR, from Invader Zim, of course. "I'm gonna roll around on the floor for a little bit, okay?" I said.

I got up and rolled around in a little circle on the ground, getting leaves and mud all over my hair and clothes. After staring at me like I was insane, Seth joined me. Jake followed. This was better than sitting down doing nothing. "Tacos!" Seth said. We started laughing. I started us all singing the doom song. After our 76th 'doom!' we stopped. We were kind of out of breath now. I stared up at the sky. It wasn't as cloudy as usual. There was some blue, and the clouds were drifting slowly...

Ow.

I looked up. Jake had just poked me with a stick.

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**Sorry it was so short. I couldn't think of anything else to put in at that point. The next chapter'll be longer. I hope.**


	2. Chapter 2: What's Scarier?

Okay, I know chapter 1 was short and not very funny, but I'm trying to make this one much, much better. If you read my Yu-Gi-Oh GX story, you know I'm much more random than this. I blame school. Ever since exam week I've had writers' block.

This one's a bunch of little things they said during one day.

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Nessie's POV

Chapter 2: What's Scarier?

Yet another boring day in the clearing with Jake and Seth. It was snowy, and we were lying on the ground, in a puddle of melty snow. My jeans were soaked through, but I didn't really care. Alice was hunting for the weekend with Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie and my mom and dad, so I was wearing a t-shirt (plain!), my crazy striped tie, my old ripped jeans that weren't ripped when we bought them, my Spongebob socks and muddy sneakers. Take that, Alice.

While I thought about what would happen if Alice saw me dressed like this, I think Jake and Seth were talking. I sat up. "What did I miss?"

"What's scarier? The guy on the side of the KFC buckets, or the Volturi?" Jake asked.

"I have to think about that one." I replied, smiling.

"Definitely the KFC bucket guy." Seth said.

"Jake, our gym coach or Victoria?" He asked.

"It's a tie."

"Yes. It is." I held up the end of my tie.  
...............

I touched Jake's hand and showed him Barney the dinosaur and Jane of the Volturi.

"Jane." He said.

"Barney. You never know what could be inside that suit..." I said. They stared at me. "What?"  
..............

"The entire Volturi guard or Rosalie when she's mad?" I asked.

"Rosalie." Everyone said at once.  
..............

After a while, we got bored of the 'What's Scarier?' game. We went back to the house to get some food. I remembered Esme telling me she left my favourite mac and cheese in the fridge for me to warm up. When we walked into the kitchen we burst out laughing. Guess what was there?

1. A life-sized cardboard cut out of Barney.  
2. A bunch of empty KFC boxes.  
3. A pink Post-It with a note from Alice. _Cute, huh Nessie? Unlike your outfit...  
_

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**I am SO sorry! I don't know what's wrong with me! A week of summer away from my crazy random friends and I lose my crazy randomness! I doubt anyone will laugh at THAT! **

**_I'M SO SORRY!!_**


	3. Chapter 3: Chapter to be Named Later

Guys, my Obsessive Cullen Disorder from reading part of Midnight Sun on Stephenie's website has, unfortunately, subsided. I may keep writing this, or I might just ditch it and start on that songfic I thought up yesterday. Who knows, maybe I'll finish this. Anyways, let's see what happens.

**I don't own Twilight, but I wish I did so I could cast myself as Jane of the Volturi.**

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Nessie's POV

Chapter 3: Third Chapter to be Named Later

It was another weekday afternoon at the big house. We had just come back from a pretty long hunting trip and everyone was going in and out, back to the cars and up to their rooms. Jake and I didn't have anything to do, so we were sitting in the living room. The bowl of trail mix on the table was stale, but we were eating it anyway. I don't even think we were hungry.

I pulled out a big piece of white cartridge paper from under the couch. We kept some art stuff there in case I ever wanted to draw or paint or something and didn't want to get my art supplies from the other house. I took out some paint and brushes.

"Whatcha doin'?" Jake asked, sitting beside me on the floor.

"Painting." I dipped a small brush into some red paint.

.......bunny........

A while later I had a picture.

"It's a bunny eating bacon." I announced.

"Really?" Jake asked. "I see a werewolf being run over by a car. I think it's Paul."

I cracked up. Then Emmett and Jasper walked in the front door.

"Emmett." I said holding up my bunny painting. "What does this look like?"

"Is that a dead raccoon?" He asked.

"It's a bunny eating bacon." Jake and I said in unison.

"I see a werewolf being hit by a car." Jasper said.

"It's Leah running Paul over." I said.

"I thought it was a bunny." Emmett said. Then Rosalie and Esme walked in.

"Hey Rose what does this look like?" Emmett asked.

"Jacob being hit by a car." She said.

"It's Paul!" Jake snapped in false anger.

"Is that a bunny eating ham?" Esme asked.

"Yes! It's a bunny eating bacon! Finally someone sees it!" I said triumphantly.

"Is that Jacob being run over by a car?" Alice asked, putting down a bag about twice her size.

"It's Paul." Jake muttered.

"It's a bunny eating bacon." I said for the nanogazillionth time that day.

Carlisle and my mom and dad came inside.

"Look mom it's a bunny eating bacon!" I said.

"Really? I see Paul being hit by a car." She said.

"Thank-you." Jake said.

"Hey Nessie why are all those bunnies in your room?" My dad asked.

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Stay tuned for next chapter, when we find out wtf Edward was talking about. And a really messed up surprise.


	4. Chapter4 OK, Ai Got Carried Away There

Hey, it is Ai. Anyways, here's Randomosity chapter four.

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The Author's POV (you'll see...)

Oh gosh. Edward found Nessie's secret pet bunny. Good thing he's a mind reader so I don't have to tell you about the awkward moment.

"Nessie! We told you we can't have pets." Edward said in the 'parental voice' that makes most kids think 'Oh man I am soooo grounded'.

"We have Jacob." Rosalie muttered.

"I heard that!" Jake snapped.

"But dad..."

"No." Edward said firmly. "And even if you did clean up the blood, it would leave a stain in the carpet and then...well I don't know what would happen then, but it wouldn't be good."

**(okay they had a really long argument over that bunny, so let's watch the funnier fight)  
............**

"Dumb blond."

"Mutt."

"Bloodsucker."

"Flea bag."

"Leech."

"Your mother was a poodle."

"ENOUGH!" I shouted. Rose and Jake looked up at the ceiling.

"Edward the ceiling is talking to me!" Emmett said. Lame Spongebob joke.

"DumbBlondSaysWhat?" I said.

"What?" Rosalie said.

"Who are you?" Jasper said to the ceiling.

"I am...dun dun duuuun!...A RANDOM GIR WITH A LAPTOP!"

"A random GIR?" Alice asked the ceiling.

"No, _girl._ I forgot to type the 'L'." I said. "And I'm here to tell you that you're really story characters from a book written by a mom named Stephenie who are used in FanFiction written by kids all over the world!"  
..........

Bella's POV

It was the middle of the night, almost three o'clock. Edward was hunting with Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper, so Nessie and I were alone in the cottage. I was reading my destroyed copy of _Wuthering Heights_ for the first time since I was changed. I was getting bored and about to call Alice's cell phone to ask how 'The Crazy Awesome Special Girlie Night of Girliness Planned by Alice Cullen, Featuring Rosalie and Esme' was going when I heard Nessie scream.

While part of my brain wondered why I was calling her Nessie now, I ran to her room, vampire speed.

"Nessie, are you okay?" I said. She was on the floor, along with most of her bedding and the books that I told her to put away hours ago.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Nightmare, I guess." She said, putting the sheets back on her bed.

"What was it about?" I asked.

"We were all characters in a book." She said.  
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Author's POV

I woke up with my head on the keyboard. I fell asleep on FanFiction. Weird. Usually it's YouTube.

I turned off my laptop and went downstairs to get a snack. When I flipped on the light, Jacob Black was standing in front of me.

_Yay! Jakey!_

_Isn't losing your grip on reality **FUN????  
**_

**Hey, people. I know a lot of you read this randomness (Random. Ness. Nessie. Get it??? Ok, that was lame) but you don't REVIEW!!! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SPARKLY AND VENOMOUS, REVIEW!!!!**

**Team Jakey ;)**

**PEACE OUT!**

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	5. Chapter 5: Mall Crawl, LONGEST 1 YET!

A fifth chapter! This is my first multi-chappie story, so I'm trying to stay with it, and this is a big achievement for me and my short attention span. So I would like to thank Stephenie Meyer for giving me this awesome book to play around with. And my pet rock, Rock, for being an AWESOME paperweight when I was writing during summer school.

This is supposed to be in some other town, and Jake's pack is with them for protection and story plot, but don't worry, they visit and call home whenever they can :) .

Chapter 5  
Mall Crawl  
Nessie's POV

It was a pretty clear day in October, and everyone was at school, except me, Jake, Seth, Esme and Carlisle. Carlisle was at the hospital, of course, Esme was at home. Me, Jake and Seth were at the mall, annoying the workers and scaring the shoppers.

For this operation, we were wearing disguises. Mine included blue contacts Alice had lying around and a black wig.

First, we stopped at this clothing store. I went in alone. It was really stuffy and smelled like way too much perfume, with a bunch of fancy dresses and suits. Yes, the only reason I would ever be in here would be if Alice was forcing me to go to a school dance as 'a family friend'. Except now. We were expert liars, about to make everyone in earshot question our sanity.

We walked up to a short saleslady who was wearing a whole lot of makeup. I stood in front of her. We were the same height.

"Can I help you?" She asked.

"I don't know. _Can_ you?" I replied, crossing my arms.

"I'm sorry. May I help you?" She said, pretending not to be annoyed.

I stared at her for a while, to find the best means of making her go insane. I decided to make her think she was crazy.

When my dad found out what I did, I would be in huge trouble, but there was a very, very small chance that he would find it funny too, and that's what I was hoping for.

Only a few seconds passed while I was deciding what to do.

"No thanks." I said, brushing past her as I walked away. I used this short contact to show her the most random-yet-worrisome thing I could think of. My old teddy bear.

It was just a little picture, really short, but I knew she was freaked. I picked up two random dresses and started walking past the lady again, and purposely dropped everything I was carrying.

"Oh, let me help you!" She said, bending down to help me.

I grabbed her arm and showed her the bear again. "I want my teddy bear!" I wailed, standing up and running out of the store.

Jake and Seth laughed when I showed them what I did.

"She probably thinks she's crazy!" Seth said, laughing hysterically.

"I wish I knew what she was thinking! Where's my dad when you need him?"  
...........................

Our next stop was a bookstore. This one was a great plan. We had figured out everything we would say, and had rehearsed to make sure we wouldn't laugh when we said it. We walked in and right over to the young adult section. Jake picked up that vampire story everyone was obsessed with now, _Daybreak. _He turned to a random girl who was holding the sequel, _Half Moon._

"These aren't real vampires, you know. Real vampires are sparkly."

"Yeah. We are." I said, popping up right in front of her, my face covered in glitter we bought in another store. I hissed, showing my teeth, which were covered in blood. Jake had let me bite him for that. It's not like he'd have the cut for more than a minute anyway.

The girl's eyes widened and she backed away slowly, bumping into Seth, who growled.

"What is up, my werewolf friend?" I called, waving at him.  
.......................

After the _Daybreak_ girl left the store, I went up to the cashier. There was no line.

"Do you have any mac 'n cheese?" I asked.

"No." She said.

"How about a new pair of glasses for my friend?" I pointed to Seth, who was wearing his glasses crooked on purpose.

"No."

"How about some blood?" I asked.

"No."

I got closer and put on my best fake-anger face. "I'm NOT just another _Daybreak_ fangirl, I'M ALISON COLLINS!" I shrieked, revealing my still-bloody teeth.

Jake, Seth and I walked away backwards, imitating the beeping noise a reversing truck makes.

Five minutes later Seth and Jake walked back in carrying a coffin we stole from the costume store. I popped out, laughing hysterically, with fake blood (also a stolen Halloween toy) all over my face. I stood up and walked over to the cashier lady.

"NOW can I have some mac 'n cheese?!"  
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**I laughed while writing that. For the stupid people who didn't get the 'Daybreak' part, 'Daybreak' is Twilight, 'Half Moon' is New Moon and 'Alison Collins' is Alice Cullen. **

**It's kind of a message to all those other Twilight fans who make us look bad by talking about Twilight on the internet where it's completely irrelevant, and also causing all non-Twilight vampire fans to always seem like Twi-Hards. **

**Don't hate me for this, but I liked vampires before I read Twilight, and it used to really bug me.**


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